2015: one year on

People told me that I would forget my life before I had children. They said that I would believe my life had been this way forever. And earlier, as I was breastfeeding Nives while on the loo, I remembered this and thought “those people are fucking idiots”. Because I remember intricately how my life was pre-baby. I remember, for example, being able to go to the loo alone. Eat a meal with two hands and both sets of cutlery and it not be a special occasion. Carry a handbag EVERY DAY not filled with wipes, miniature clothes and garish plastic musical objects (has anyone else ever winced when they pick up their bag in public and a small tinny voice inside exclaims: “puppy!” or similar). After work drinks. Long Sunday lunches. Clothes shopping where you try on the clothes. Weekend trips without (what feels like) four carloads of paraphernalia. I remember it. I remember all of it. Here’s the thing though. Despite the onslaught of bloody puppy in my bloody handbag, I love my life now. I’ve never been happier, I’ve never been more chilled in all my life. 2015 has been the best year of my whole life. And I’ve had some really great years, so that’s saying something. It hasn’t been easy - at times it’s actually been really fucking hard!- but it’s like this awesome little human has sprinkled fairy dust on all the things that used to really piss me off and shown me that it doesn’t really matter. So that person is walking slowly down the escalator, it’s OK. But jesus, snub my daughter and I will hunt you down. And oh my God, the empathy. I can’t watch anything on TV without somehow comparing it to my relationship with Nives and balling. Nature programmes are out, as are sentimental adverts about orphan boys eating fried chicken. 2015 has also been the year for our marriage. This is the stuff that marriages are made of: of looking across at your husband while strapped to a hospital bed and seeing concern eking out of every pore. Of intense dislike after zero hours sleep, of blame and whispered furious arguments and martyrdom and then, finally, of calm and love and peace and acceptance and laughter. Pre baby our marriage was cocktails and travel and plans written on a cloud and love, but this is a deeper love. Nothing will make you love someone more than seeing them love the thing you love as fiercely as you do. 2015 will be remembered as the best year ever, as year dot, as the start of my incredible journey with my girl. But I feel like 2016 and every year after this one will just get better and better.